Five films I dislike and how I think they should be remade: 24/06/2012

One the one hand it's just too easy thinking of quips about movies that I don't like. On the other it's hard to come up with these lists as I seldom really hate movies, always being able to see something worthwhile in them (even something like Rushmore which should never have been made ever). So I've given myself the extra responsibility to suggest how these might be mended. This lightens the burden by the opportunity to perform a selfless act for the improvement of others and still crap on movies I don't like. So...

"Ooooohhhh, John wants it SUBT-TLE'

The Breakfast Club: While I liked Risky Business and some of the other John Hughes titles o' the eighties that dealt with adolesence I always winced at this one with its cringing stereotypes and sausage meat dialogue. The pot smoking scene with the explosive Wiggles rock montage makes me cringe. My teen years were both much more fun and worse than anything here.

Remake this in Sweden as a severe black comedy and it'll get there.

Abbie Cornish wonders about Swedish catering

Candy: Simply beautiful and powerful opening sequence gives way to a couple of hours of addicts getting desperate and doing bad things. Narration by Abbie Cornish forms descant of blundering aphorisms about getting desperate and doing bad things. Then it ends.

Remake in Sweden as a severe black comedy.

I'm Susan Hill. Stop fucking up my book!

The Woman in Black: The Harry Potter one. Series of boo style scares and a lot of gaffer taped CGI cannot save this attempt from some idiotic integrity-killing plot changes that bring it up to cliche standards and throw away all the subtlety of the original story.

Already made well in the 80s for a fraction of
the budget. No remake necessary.

C'mon, guys, it'll be funny.

Very Bad Things: Intended as a black comedy but keeps shifting the line whenever it can't get out of a situation too clever for its makers. Moments cannot save the hours wasted.

Remake in Hong Kong as a thriller.

Hey, you're doing Memento next year and
going on to stardom. I'm getting ten years of tv movies.

Ravenous: Flagrant waste of an opportunity to mix a hitherto uncinema-ed boogey man from folk mythology and a western. Clunky plotting and overplaying and a waste of a good cast. Rotten.

Ditch the one liners and remake in Japan with Kiyoshi Kurosawa at the helm. No gore, no wisecracks but maximum audience absorption and true dread.