5 Films I Dislike and How I Think They Should Be Remade

Yeahmanyouknowmanyeahuhhhyeahlikemanyeahyouknow.

Kill Yr Idols: Almost directionless documentary about an interesting subject: the No Wave scene in New York in the late 70s that opposed most of the music around at the time including punk. Some fascinating moments given real insights from a range of compelling participants and witnesses like Michael Gira, Jim Thirlwell and Lydia Lunch but after this the problems begin. Not content to simply document a potent moment of music culture from the past the filmmakers seem to have surprised by the jumpy little opportunity to rag the current crop of new bands playing in the same place. These bands like A.R.E. Weapons and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are deserving of ridicule as they are solely derivative but eager to accept the mantle of the No Wave tradition which was almost entirely original. The interviews with current figures like Karen O. are clearly edited to make them come across as cretins. It's just too easy.

Remake with Errol Morris and a single anchoring thread to stop it wandering into sychophancy.

You will pay for my pool extension. You will pay for my pool extension.

The Men Who Stare at Goats: From a book that provided an entertaining and intriguing look at the collision of esoterica with the military mind a film was made that began promisingly but soon threw its hands in the air in surrender and gave in to an urge to turn everything into a laddish buddy comedy. If they'd rewatched M.A.S.H. they might have seen how anachronistic this approach now looks.

Remake as a stoney-faced quasi sci-fi helmed by Stephen Soderberg.

I'd say you'll be in a real Kubrick film some day....

A.I.: Great emulation of Kubrick by Spielberg but as soon as that wears off and the creepy Speilberg closeted misanthropy enters (the smash 'em up scene where the rednecks' go all warm 'n' fuzzy at a show of cuteness is chilling the more you think about it) it just deteriorates into trowel world where the significance of the real boy motif would kill a diabetic at the back of the cinema.

Get Kubrick out of cryo and give him anything he asks for. Alternatively, interest David Cronenberg.

I only said the script needs cutting.

Event Horizon: I don't mind that this is just a popcorn Solaris as I think that could make for a really good movie. I mind that it throws all of its interesting concepts out as soon as they become too hard and goes into autogothic mode right up to the utterly pointless ending. A waste of good art direction.

Remake anywhere with Duncan Jones in the chair. And don't ever cast Sam Neill again in anything.

So, Corporal, what should we do now?

Saving Private Ryan: Outstanding opening sequence degenerates into preposterously democratic workshopping of the mission. "Earn this." Really? Hasn't he already earned it? How about this. Go through the formation of the team in parallel to the preparations for D-Day. Show the Normany landing at the end and then, after the great senseless slaughter show the big looming landscape which somewhere hides the object of the mission, somewhere in the slaughter yet to come. Roll credits and keep the flag and sad trumpets at home. Want to make a point about war? Show that it never ends.

Remake like that with Kyoshi Kurosawa. Now!